This is the first time in a long time im feeling a bit down. Nothing really happened, but i am still feeling strange.
Its a day before my (little) brothers birthday, and i forgot to buy a gift. Well, if you could call it forgetting. My litte calendar widget on my phone has been screaming at me for 20 days, but i have not been listening. Thus, it was time for me to head to my local supermarket and buy a shitty chocolate bar, the best gift known to mankind. Sweet but low-effort, just like every gift ive ever gotten from him.
This is the small supermarket i used to work at up until highschool. I remember being miserable working there. After a while it was quite alright (as long as nobody talked to me), but in the beginning i really struggled. I cried every time before and after going there. Sometimes i would even cry in the coatcheck area, since that is the last place to be alone before *actually* having to get to work.
Nobody at my work knew this. Not even my best friend.
I remember thinking in highschool that all my friends were living like me. Anxious to go anywhere without them. Doesn't get along with the other school kids. Cannot hold a simple conversation with the hairdresser.
Now i know it was them thinking i was living like them. None of my friends were in the same classes as me, so they thought i was fine. How would they know i struggled? They didnt talk to me that much anyways.
So when my friend started working where i worked, i didnt expect her to be fine. But she was, the people there love her "directness" and her everlasting smile. She was thriving while i was trying to survive.
The thing is: that was a long time ago. Over half a year ago. A long half year. The supermarket got rebuilt, i got new friends, i get along with the other uni kids. She still works there. And she still is fine.
I dont know what to do with this information. As i was checking out the isles i saw her. (The nuts and wine are now in the front of the store. Weird. Almost every supermarket has those in the back.) I noticed she hasnt changed a single bit. Her hair is still the same length. She still answers questions in that same faux casual way. Her smile is still crooked to the left.
It almost makes me mad how she does not seem to crave to escape the people who i felt excluded by and who made my hands tremble while holding soup cans. I realise now she was not a bad friend but also not a good one. She was my best friend and also not one at all. This doesnt make her a bad person, and nor does it make me one. Sometimes people just dont fit together, and you can be delusional about it like me, or face reality and make new friends like me.
I continue my stroll and see many products that i have never seen before. I see my friend Edwins favourite cookies and the snacks Alice always brings to lunchbreaks. They bring a smile to my face. I dont however see my brothers favourite chocolate bar. (Big milka oreo where are you when i need you!) I walk out of the supermarket with a 3 euro chocolate bar.
My hair is longer, i answer questions enthusiastically and my smile is real.
And im never going back there again.
